I Will Not Stop Fighting - Not Now, Not Ever

If I had access to a gun anytime when I was growing up, I would have put that gun to my head and gladly pulled that trigger anytime to save me from the hate that surrounded me.

My earliest memory of bullying is when I was in my fourth grade, when I was barely 9 years old. My peers were a part of day to day taunting but the most scarred event that comes to my mind was not through my fellow students but my teacher - A Christian teacher who came to supervise us for my annual exam. That memory is still too painful to dwell into even two decades later.  I still remember the shame and the humiliation. I ran crying from my annual exam hall to go to my own class teacher. She did not know what to do. I was happy that it was the last day of the school year and I did not have to go back and live through my humiliation again for another 2 months. I didn’t talk about this to anyone else, not even my own family, because it was supposed to be a shameful thing. When I entered my 5^th grade I was dreading which teacher was I going to get again. Well I didn’t get lucky when I got another bible thumper as a teacher who on my first day of fifth grade made sure that everyone else knew that I did not belong in their normal world.

My fifth grade was the worst in my life. I dreaded that monster every time she walked into the class. The whole year I had to endure insults delivered in a matter of fact way, which the other kids picked up and used for the rest of the day. Every day brought a new ordeal and it destroyed my confidence; my childhood; my innocence. There were a lot of good days but the terrible ones were always around the corner. I survived through it. The next year I changed school. The next two years I even forgot the fact that I was different. I was a star student always on top of my class. I was a teacher’s pet and I always made great grades. Then again I changed to another school in my 8^th grade. This time it was merciless and cruel and that was the first time the thought of ending my life came to me for the first time. But I was a coward not to attempt to kill myself and I am happy for that now.

So I went back to my old school when I was in my 9^th grade. This time the kids had matured and they knew a different person when they saw one. The scars of my 9^th grade were so deep that I secretly wished, may be a car will knock me off my bicycle on my way to school and all of this might end. When I entered my 10^th grade that is when I found out that I can fool others into thinking that I was just like them - The normal straight guy. I started changing every ounce of me, the way I walk, the way I talk and the way I think. I was not always successful, but it got a bit better. By my 12^th grade I had figured out another trick, to befriend the popular girl and make others think that there was something between the two of us.  It worked; people were too busy gossiping rather than picking on me or think that I was different.
When I entered college I knew for sure that I was not straight but I didn’t acknowledge it or didn’t want to acknowledge it as I was busy protecting myself again. This time I made sure no one picks on me. I was eighteen and I guess I got clever. I distracted the dumb people around me so that they won’t find out. Again it worked most of the time but there were also a lot of people who saw through my defenses and made sure that they had their fun – just hurting me, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes intentionally. That was the time I also realized that I cannot carry this burden; I cannot live this lie the rest of my life, afraid of every move I make, afraid that someone will find out.  There were times I asked, “find out what?” the most important part of me; the very essence of my being. I realized that I had to leave that horrible small minded town but I was stuck in a college curriculum for six years.

Then one day a miracle happened. When I was nineteen years old, I saw Will and Grace on an English channel. I immediately knew who I was. A sense of relief swept over me. I knew I wasn’t alone in this forsaken world. I could relate more to the people on television than to anyone I had known my entire life. Fear gripped me again; may be my friends will find out about me if they saw WILL AND GRACE. It was also the time that I realized that there is a world out there thousands of miles apart, a land where people like William Truman, people like me – gays; can live with respect and dignity - being their authentic self. It gave me hope and I was determined that whatever happens I will try to make my life in America.

I am here now, in America, the land of dreams. Things haven’t worked out yet but reaching here has given me hope, courage and a new determination to succeed. I am not sure of what will happen next but I am sure of one thing. I will fight till my last breath to achieve the happiness that is due to me. This time I will fight for everyone like me who are trapped in their own mother land surrounded by hate. I will make sure that I will do my part to give them hope.

If this world in all its glory makes a nine year old kid so scared that he fears getting up from his bed and face a new day each morning then there is something horribly wrong with this world. If this world with all its kindness makes an eighth grader contemplate ending his life just because of who he is then there is something horrendously wrong with this world. If this world with all its empathy kills the innocence of a kid and makes him carry a burden so heavy that he can’t even breath then there is something brutally wrong with this world.  And if this world with all it’s justice wants a reason why that kid is gay rather than accept him for who he is, then there is something morally wrong with this world.

That nine year old is not wrong; that ninth grader is not wrong; and I am not wrong. I am not the sinner and I am not going to be ashamed of who I am. I am gay and I am proud of that.

I am proud of my history - The gay rights movement. We, the gays have overcome discrimination; We, the gays have triumphed the hate; We, the gays have shattered myths and prejudices. We, the gays have survived a plague.  We will not stop fighting until every kid who is different feels safe. We will not stop until every innocence is cherished. We will not stop until every life is valued. We will not stop fighting - not now, not ever.
I will not stop fighting - not now, not ever.

The Average Homosexuals Journey for Justice and Equality

"We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths -- that all of us are created equal -- is the star that guides us still, just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall."

President Barack Obama, Second Inaugural Speech, January 21, 2013

Every member of the LGBT community who was watching this all over America, including me felt a shock. Gay rights activist and even the most progressive liberals were astounded when President Barack Obama on his second inaugural speech, uttered the word Stonewall in the same breath as Selma and Seneca falls.  To understand why this was historic, some of us need a quick lesson in the battle for civil rights in America.

Seneca falls, New York is the place which is considered to be the birth of women rights movement. This is where in the middle of 19^thcentury women started fighting against oppression and demanded equal rights including the right to vote. It took decades for them to finally earn those rights.

 Selma, Alabama is the place where African American’s civil rights movement reached a new height in 1965. It became a movement which brought to light the likes of Martin Luther King Jr. and many other civil rights leaders. Then came the Washington march where King gave the historic, “I have a dream” speech and it followed some years later with the passage of the civil rights bill, protecting them from discrimination and giving them equal voting rights.

These were the significant moments which fueled the fight against oppression and discrimination.  So was Stonewall.

Stonewall Inn is a gay bar in Christopher street, downtown New York. For a long time it was illegal for bars to serve alcohol to gays. It was illegal for even two men to dance together in a bar not to mention holding hands or kissing. So police used to raid the gay bars any time they want and used to beat up gay people and arrest them. In 1969, June 28 around 3 AM in the morning when the police came to harass gays like always, something unexpected happened.

The gays fought back. All the pent up fury, all the discrimination, humiliation and injustice which they had endured came out and the stonewall riots started. The whole of America realized the fact that even the so called weak outlaws of the society can someday fight back. The level of hatred and homophobia was so high that even the media covered the riots with arrogance and insensitivity. The New York Daily News in 1969 wrote an article with this headline, "Homo Nest Raided, Queen Bees Are Stinging Mad."

Even in this hate filled environment, the Stonewall upraising went on for weeks. This is considered to be the beginning of the gay rights movement. There was a march organized on the one year anniversary of the riots in New York which later on became the Gay Pride Parades which are now conducted all over the world.

 The religious people and the other homophobes are still saying that being gay is a choice and that gay people are not born this way instead they have chosen to commit sin. So their fight is not a civil rights issue, as compared to African Americans who were born black. (Not to mention they opposed everyone who were fighting for their god given equal rights while shamelessly using God’s name.)

Well the argument can go on but the effect is lost now. By equating Stonewall with Seneca Falls and Selma; President Obama affirmed the nation that Gay rights is a civil rights issue. By equating Stonewall with those two pivotal civil rights movements in the history of America he has made sure that he and the majority of Americans believe that the LGBT community is fighting for their civil rights.  But he didn’t stop with that.  He went one step further. Something no President has ever done.

“Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law – for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”

I had tears in my eyes when he said that and I wasn’t alone. Every single member of the LGBT community was moved beyond words. The tears were a testimony to our fight for acceptance. Those were not just words but an acknowledgement by a leader towards a community which is ostracized, demonized and still treated as second class by the majority. 

He made history. These words will be quoted for generations to come. 

Inaugural addresses are the stuff made for history books. Similar to 
Franklin D. Roosevelts “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” or 
John F. Kennedys, “ ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country”  President Obama’s monumental statements will be read by the future generations. He pledged that every American and every human being all over the world has to understand that Gay men are created equal and they deserve every right under the law which is bestowed upon their heterosexual counterparts. Their love and commitment is as scared as anyone else's.  

He uttered the word gay in an inaugural address for the first time. He had selected an openly Gay Latino poet to narrate the inaugural poem and a pastor who included gay people during his prayers on that day.  Any leader who is gay friendly usually just name checks or refers to the gay community in an obscure way on a national platform, because of the fact that it might make people uncomfortable. Never has someone spoken out so strongly for the LGBT community and their rights and has vowed to fight for it on this scale. I strongly believe that this wouldn’t be the last time a President will address the gay community on this scale. But Obama will always be remembered as the first to break the silence.

In 1967, two years before Stonewall, CBS a national television addressed homosexuality as a documentary titled THE HOMOSEXUALS in its popular documentary show ‘60 minutes’. It started with the anchor reporting,

The average homosexual, if there be such, is promiscuous. He is not interested or capable of a lasting relationship like that of a heterosexual marriage. His sex life, his love life, consists of a series of one–chance encounters at the clubs and bars he inhabits. And even on the streets of the city — the pick-up, the one night stand, these are characteristics of the homosexual relationship.

That was the first time the American Public was given a glimpse of the so called ‘homosexual lifestyle’. That was the first time people were made aware of the existence of gays. It was so prejudiced that LGBT activists recently called it as the "the single most destructive hour of antigay propaganda in our nation's history."

The one hour documentary which was supposed to educate the public about homosexuals, ended with these lines.

 The dilemma of the homosexual: told by the medical profession he is sick; by the law that he's a criminal; shunned by employers; rejected by heterosexual society. Incapable of a fulfilling relationship with a woman, or for that matter with a man. At the center of his life he remains anonymous. A displaced person. An outsider.

Today Anderson Cooper, an openly gay man is one of the anchors of that same 60 minutes show, which branded the likes of him as a displaced outsider.  It’s hard to imagine that 40 years ago this was telecast on a national television and this was the opinion of the majority of American Public.  Not to mention it is still the opinion among the Indian public.  

 But I have hope. As President Obama said, change doesn’t happen because of Washington or politicians. It happens because of ordinary people who have the courage to fight against all odds.  I have hope that it won’t take another 40 years for an Indian Prime Minister to stand on a national platform to speak for our rights. Because we, the ordinary gays and lesbians, will bring the fight to the society, we will fight the prejudice, we will shatter the myths and we will educate the public.  As Harvey milk once said, “If they get to know us, they can never hate us.”  We will make sure that they know us. You and me, we will bring equality and justice.